Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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