make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
