I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
