Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
