Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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