Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
