I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
