forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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