sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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