Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
