You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
