umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
