be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
