Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize