I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
