you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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