I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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