Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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