I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
BRING THE BAGELS
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