I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
