My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize