I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize