I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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