I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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