you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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