Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
