I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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