Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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