After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
