When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
