I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
