I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
