i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
