i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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