Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize