Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are a genius and a whore.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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