I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
