i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
