My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
