Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
