i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
it glows. i had to have it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
