i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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