matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's blow job season.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
