I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
