I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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