Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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