it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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