I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
