i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
