is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
