The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize