Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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