i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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