I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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