I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
