You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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