Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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