and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
my liver is dry heaving
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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