I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
