Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Someone came in the potted fern
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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