so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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