You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
