I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
