My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
