Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize