the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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