Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
