Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
