Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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