So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize