new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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