Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
