Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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